i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
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Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard