i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We need a shit load of segways right now
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here