Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
