My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
