Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
