sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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