There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize