my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I accidentally had phone sex last night
she looked like the before picture.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
