I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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