i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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