her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
