some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
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It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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