the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You are the jesus of drinking
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
