if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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