The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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