My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
