I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
