Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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