you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
