the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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