I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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