Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
