You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
