I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
