is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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