Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
