I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
