You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
