I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
