So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
