sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
