Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
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brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
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