I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
