So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
