i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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