one two three fourrrrnication!
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
