Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
