I hope mine doesn't look like that
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
