There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
