She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
