Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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