Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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