I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
