Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
