I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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