Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
