I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
