I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
