I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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