I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
