Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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