He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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