Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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