A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
