I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
