woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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