I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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