I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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