Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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