And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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